Loud House Law
by white eyed fox
Summary: What started as just a silly argument between two sisters, soon escalates into childish courtroom drama complete with evidence, finger pointing, and nap time. This is Loud House Law.


**Loud House Law**

* * *

"So what do you say? Will you do it?" Lana looked over at Lisa, who was busy looking over a formula on her chalkboard.

"I fail to see why you would need me for such a trivial matter, but I assume that you could use someone impartial with knowledge in the field of law to settle this argument," Lisa thought about it for a short time before declaring, "Alright, I accept."

"Woohoo!" Lana cheered. "Wait, you know law? So you can actually be a lawyer like on all those tv shows with all the city names?"

Lisa nodded, "Yes, I am allowed to practice law in three states. Now can we hurry this along? I don't exactly plan on spending my whole day dilly-dallying on-"

"Not so fast!" Lola said as she kicked down the door and dragged Lucy into Lisa's room. "My lawyer and I are gonna make sure that we get justice for what Lana did."

"I told you that I didn't do anything!"

"Pfft. As if Lucy can best in me a courtroom," Lisa said confidently. "Besides, why would you need a lawyer? This is presumably a simple matter, that for some reason both you and your monozygotic twin are dragging out further than necessary."

"Fine Lisa, be that way. I guess you can never say you lost a case, if you never actually go up against someone in court," Lola said purposely taking a jab at Lisa's ego.

Lisa crossed her arms and glared at the blonde. "Juvenile remarks such as those will not get me to play in your games. I can be an impartial judge and we can settle what I assume will be a raucous argument peacefully before my midday REM cycle."

"Fine! Lucy – you're fired," Lola told Lucy, and then she stared at her twin sister. "We're gonna settle this like grown-ups."

Lucy sighs and walks back to her room.

"So what exactly are you two arguing about?" Lisa asked, as the three of them sat down on the floor.

"Lana cut all the hair off of my dolls!"

Lisa groaned after hearing this. _'Juvenile…'_

"I told you I didn't do it!"

"Lana, you do have a history of such actions," a bored Lisa quips.

"I thought that you were my lawyer, Lisa. Why are you taking Lola's side?" Lana asked

"I'm not your lawyer. I am here to deliberate on your matter," Lisa said to Lana.

"We don't have time for you to go on a delivery, why didn't you do that before we started?"

Lisa slapped her forehead and heard the twins go back and forth, neither one refusing to back down.

"Fine! I'll find us a judge and Lisa can go back to being my lawyer," Lana said as she stormed out of the bedroom to look for her judge.

"I can't go up against Lisa alone. Lucy! You're rehired!"

"Groan…" Lucy said as she was being dragged by Lana downstairs.

* * *

Lisa and Lola waited for Lana and Lucy to return with the mystery judge.

'_There's hardly anyone in the house. Our six elder siblings are out and about, father is busy improving his recipes for the restaurant, and mother is busying herself writing her lengthy tome. Who else is there? Maybe the curmudgeon that lives next door, but he can't be bothered unless father's lasagnas are involved. The gasoline peddling swindler…? Goodness, I hope not.'_

Lisa kept going through a list of possible candidates in her head, when the door was opened and Lana announced, "All rise for the honorable, Judge Lily."

Lola stood up, but Lisa refused. "Lisa, get up. It's a judge, and that's how they do it on Pop-Pop's court shows."

"Seriously? Our new judge is our infant sister? Was Annabella Cordelia, or whatever lengthy name Lola concocted, too busy? Was Hops out for a swim? Surely, you can't assume that Lily would be a suitable judge?"

Lily cried at Lisa's outburst, and crawled away as Lucy walked after her, hoping to comfort the infant.

"Look what you did! You made Lily cry!" The twins yelled at the young scientist.

Lisa looked down at the floor, feeling some guilt for dismissing her younger sister in her attempts to join the girls. "Alright, I'll go and apologize."

Lisa followed the sound of Lily's muffled cries, which led her to her seventh eldest sister's room, where she found Lucy trying to soothe the infant.

"Lily, I apologize for my earlier outburst. I was wrong for my actions and hope that you can forgive me?" Lisa asked from the somewhat closed door.

Lily shook her head, and babbled that she didn't believe Lisa. The scientist sighed, "We can get you a judge's robe and a gavel, or as you call it, the little hammer that the judge bang-bangs. Would that make you feel better?"

The infant sniffed and nodded her head; tears still lingering in her eyes. Lisa and Lucy work to procure said items, but could only find a squeaky toy hammer and one of Lucy's dresses to give Lily the look of a makeshift judge.

The three make their way back to the youngest siblings' room and find the twins playing rock-paper-scissors.

"All rise, the honorable Judge Lily presiding," Lucy announces.

The twins stand up, and Lisa and Lucy walk towards the two and let Lily walk to her bench, or as anyone else looking at the group would say, her crib. The infant struggled walking while wearing the black dress, even tripping a few times, before Lucy decides that it's easier to just carry Lily to her crib.

"A-goo" Lily says to thank Lucy. The young judge babbles and everyone takes a seat on the floor.

* * *

"If it should please the court," Lola addressed a variety of dolls that she grabbed from around the house. "The defendant's own lawyer said and I quote, 'Lana, you do have a history of such actions.'"

Everyone except Lisa, giggled at Lola's impersonation, which included Lisa's monotone voice and the same bored expression Lisa showed when she said her statement earlier.

"Objection, your Honor. The plaintiff cannot mock the defendant's lawyer."

Lily was still giggling in her crib, and babbled that she was allowing it. Lisa rolled her eyes; clearly not pleased at everyone's mocking giggles. _'To think, this is just the opening statements and they're not even doing this right.'_

Lola took a seat and Lisa stood, "I would like to call Lola to the stand. Ms. Lola, can you recall the events leading up to your discovery of the crime scene?"

"Certainly Lisa," Lola continued with a dazzling performance, "There I was, walking up the stairs after watching Prison Pageants with Lucy. I felt inspired by Little Juice's use of denim that I had to see if I could find a pair of hand-me-down jeans so that Leni could fashion me a denim dress when she got home. On my way up to the attic, I heard a sound. My little doll was calling me to save her from Lana-"

"Please refrain from blaming my client. Also, which of your dolls can talk? As far as I can recall, none of you dolls have speaking capabilities."

"I was trying to create a mood, ever heard of it!?"

"Let the record show, that Ms. Lola was using hyperbole," Lisa noted to the teddy bear stenographer. "You may proceed."

"Where was I? Oh yes, my little doll was calling me to save her, I called out the person most likely to be responsible and when I got to my room, there it was – a crime scene so gruesome that they could never show it on anything that Mommy and Daddy let us watch on tv. Hair everywhere, doll clothes wrinkled, and a tipped over tea cup." Lola struggled to finish her statement. "It's too much. It's just too much!"

Lisa, Lana, and Lucy just looked at Lola's dramatics, none of them exactly sure of what to say.

"Well then… what evidence would you say points my client to the, let's just call it, crime scene?"

"A muddy footprint, if we proceed to our room, you'll see it."

The five girls make their way to the twins' room and see one muddy shoe close to the door.

"Rather odd…Why would there only be one? Where's the other?"

"How should I know? Maybe _someone_ took off their shoe," Lola claims while staring at Lana.

"Look," Lucy exclaimed as loudly as she could, which admittedly wasn't much.

The four younger girls jumped in surprise and see the other muddy shoe carelessly strewn in the corner. Lisa takes out her magnifying glass, and inspects it. "Affirmative, this is Lana's brand of shoe. There's bugs, twigs, and," Lisa pauses and takes a small whiff, "a hint of canine fecal matter."

The girls, excluding Lana, react in disgust.

"Lisa! You're supposed to be on my side," Lana pleads as she closely approaches her lawyer.

"I'm on the side of justice, and right now her olfactory senses are overwhelmed by the crickets on your breath."

* * *

Lana was sitting nervously on the bench; all the evidence was pointing to her, and Lisa wasn't being helpful. Lucy walked up to the older twin, "Lana, can you tell the court the timeline of your day leading up to the time in question?"

"I was at Tall Timbers Park visiting my fish friends, I came home. I went to my room, which was neat by the way, to get a frisbee" Lana said while looking right at Lola. "And then we went outside."

"Can anyone confirm your alibi?"

"Yes! Hops!" Lana said happily, knowing that her frog friend would vouch for her.

"Objection, your Honor!" Lola started, "Hops can't talk to humans."

"Yeah, he can. I can understand him!"

"Just you," Lola responded in a matter-of-fact manner.

"May I remind you, Lola, our judge also cannot speak, yet we are at the mercy of her ruling," Lisa remarked, clearly giving up on actually following courtroom protocol.

Lola growled and gave in.

Lana looked at Lucy, and panicked. She got a bright idea. "Wait, I can prove my innocence!"

"How?" asked Lucy.

"Lisa's security cameras – they'll prove that I wasn't in our room," Lana said confident that she can finally prove her innocence.

"Actually, Mother and Father requested that I disable the security cameras in our bedrooms, after an incident a few weeks back."

The other girls looked at her, hoping that she would elaborate.

"I was going over the weekly footage, and was curious about the recording coming from Mother and Father's bedroom. I questioned them the next day about the nocturnal sounds, both from them and their bed, as well as questioning why their nightly attire was carelessly strewn all over the floor in the morning. But neither one opted to answer, except with clear instructions to disable all the cameras in private locations."

The girls looked at each other wondering what Lisa could have seen, but couldn't be sure as to what it could have been.

"So…no cameras?" Lana asked Lisa, who responded by shaking her head.

Lana groaned; clearly becoming more frustrated at the predicament. "I'm telling you I'm innocent, and just because Lola can't accept it, I'm supposed to, uh…I'm supposed to, uh…"

"Get dragged through the mud?" Lisa said, growing more frustrated after Lana's outburst.

"No! That's how I'll celebrate after I win."

"I doubt that, seeing as I'm winning." Lola smirked to her older twin.

Lana launched herself at Lola and the two fought on the floor. Lily banged her gavel calling for order to be restored to her courtroom, but neither one of the twins would listen.

Lucy and Lisa finally broke the twins apart; both of them stared at one another with a look of anger in their eyes. Lily banged her gavel and yawned; it was nap time.

"Judge Lily may we have a short recess?" asked Lucy, who noted her younger sisters' need for a nap.

Lily nodded and Lola relieved the stenographer of his duties, so he may accompany Lily in her crib. Lisa and the twins walked over to the scientist's bed and proceeded to rest.

Lucy looked around, with no need for a nap herself, she turned off the lights, closed the door, and went downstairs, "I wonder if Princess Pony: The Animated Series is on right now?"

* * *

Lisa opened her eyes, noticing the darkness of the room, and one twin at each side; both of them still napping. Lisa noticed Lily stirring a little in her crib, indicating that she's about to wake up. The second youngest sat in the dark; seventy-five minutes had passed since she and her sisters went down for their midday cellular rejuvenations. Now, she was waiting for everyone to get up before turning on the lights.

As the twins and the infant woke up, Lisa made her way to the lights, and got spooked by the goth who was quietly standing by the light switch.

"How long were you standing there?"

"Long enough to ponder my place in this nightmare, we all know as the universe."

The younger girls just stared at her, not really sure how to respond. Lily babbled and called court back into session.

"Your Honor, I would like to call my client, Lola, back to the bench."

Lily allowed it.

Lucy paced back and forth, "Lola, you mentioned that you heard a noise when you were going to the attic, is that true?"

"Yes, I told you my little doll was-"

"What was the actual noise that you heard?" Lucy interrupted.

Lola sighed. "Fine. I heard a plopping sound, like when Lana comes in after playing in the mud. That's why I ran to my room."

"Yet there was no one there, right? Along with no other footprints leading to your room?"

"Duh! Just that muddy footprint and the mess left behind by you know who."

Lana was about to get up, but Lisa held her down trying to see where Lucy was going with this.

"Why are you questioning me, Lucy? You're supposed to be on my side, not her's. Remember?"

"I do, but Lana is prone to casually walking into the house after visiting the mud hole. Mom and Dad would have noticed the footprints and said something to Lana. Isn't that right?"

"I guess."

"Which leads to my next observation,"

Lily and the twins didn't know where she was going with this, but Lisa's eyes were opening up a little at what Lucy was saying.

"After you all took a nap, I noticed something– there was no 'weapon'. Assuming that scissors were used to commit this crime, as that's usually what Lana asks for when she tries commit this 'crime', wouldn't they be somewhere on the floor? If in a panicked state, wouldn't Lana be afraid of your wrath, and have ditched them in a quick effort?"

"Lucy, you are so close to being fired again if you're doing what I think you're doing!"

"I'm not blaming you. I doubt you'd go through the hassle of grabbing Lana's messy shoes and sticking mud and other disgusting things to it, especially with your girlish nature."

"So, who could it have been?" asked Lana.

"Simple, someone who knows how to plan, someone who isn't afraid to get a little messy, and someone in this very room," Lucy pointed an accusing finger at Lisa, "The very person who is defending Lana."

The others gasped.

"You can't pin this on me sister. I'm innocent."

"Then you won't have any problems answering a few questions."

"Fine! If it'll end this silly accusation of yours."

Lisa approached the bench. "To prove my innocence, I will recount my whereabouts at the time the crime took place, which had me in this very room from 8:30 am until Lana approached me at 11:47 am. I have not left my sleeping chambers under any circumstances, except to apologize to the judge."

"That's a pretty weak alibi."

"I am aware; however, I should inform you that as a woman of science, I keep meticulous notes on my experiments and day-to-day activities, including time stamps. You can see my laboratory notebook on my desk."

Lucy approached the desk and looked through the notebook; Lisa had been keeping it as meticulous as she claimed.

0700-0704 – wake up and use the lavatory  
0704-0710 – get dressed  
0710-0723 – go outside for fresh air (at parental insistence)  
0723-0726 – go to lavatory to wash hands before breakfast  
0726-0730 – help set table  
0730-0800 – breakfast, fried eggs (2) with pancake (1) and maple syrup (warmed to room temperature)  
0800-0803 – clear dishes; six eldest siblings leave home for individual activities  
0803-0810 – proofread Father's menu and inform him of appropriate changes

It kept going, from organizing her microscope slides to experimenting with creating a recombinant flower that can produce its own insecticide to a chemical explosion and even her usual fecal studies. However, she noticed something, "Why is it that your last entry was ended at 11:13 am? You said that Lana approached you at 11:47, why was there nothing between 11:13 and 11:47 am?"

"I was working to fix what could have gone wrong with my experiment, when Lana interrupted me, and prevented me from maintaining my notebook." Lisa said while pointing at her chalkboard. "If you recall, both you and your client likely heard an explosion around the time of the incident. I need to clean and ensure that no contamination occurred in mine and the judge's sleeping chambers, thus giving me no time to commit said crime."

"Sigh…" Lucy admitted defeat. Even if the times were just randomly put in; she had no other way to tie Lisa to the crime.

"If you're done with your little interrogation, we can let Judge Lily give us a verdict."

Lily cleared her throat. The sisters looked at judge, who began to babble, no one except Lisa understood, so Lily resorted to gestures. She pointed to Lana and blew a raspberry – guilty. Lana hung her head, and muttered as she was still claiming her innocence.

"Lana, you owe me new dolls or at least wigs for them."

"Yeah, yeah."

The three older girls got up and made their way to the door, and Lisa approached her lab coat ready to check on her bacterial strain, when a noise caught the other girls' attention. A pair of scissors fell from Lisa's pocket. Everyone gasped and looked at Lisa.

"This doesn't prove anything. I need them…to uh…cut the plasmid of my experiment." Lisa knew that none of them would know what a plasmid was, but that didn't stop the four sisters from approaching her.

Lisa backed up against the wall, and looked over at the scissors, which had a long blonde hair stuck between the two blades.

"What's this?" Lana grabbed the long blonde hair.

"It's my doll's hair! You are the culprit!"

"I am not! We all know that Leni likes to cut our hair. How do you know that it isn't just one of Lori's."

The girls nodded, but Lily pointed out to a machine hidden in the closet.

"Lily's right, test it," demanded Lola.

"Even if I do, DNA tests don't work on cut hair. That sample doesn't have a follicle; ergo, no testing can be done to determine the source." Lisa put on her lab coat, "Now if you don't mind, I'd like to continue my work."

"Why don't you compare it to the samples from Lana and Lola's room?" asked Lucy.

"Ummm…because that's a waste of resources."

"Or you're just stalling because you did it," Lana accused the younger girl.

"I did not! The shoe pointed to you! Not me."

"But there was only one footprint and a tossed muddy shoe in corner, why wasn't there a trail leading to the room?" asked Lucy.

"Yeah! Also, what's a plasmid and why do you need to cut it?"

"Really, Lana? We have a chance to prove your innocence and you ask Lisa something like that?"

"I thought it was something cool, like plasma."

Lily handed Lana her tablet, and she looked up plasmids, "Hey! You can't cut that stuff with scissors!"

"Yes I can," Lisa claimed before her nervous smile gave her away.

"You are guilty! Why Lis? Why did you frame me?"

Lisa looked down on the floor, and began speaking with a hint of bitterness in her voice, "You destroyed an experiment with your reckless shenanigans involving your skateboard and horde of pets, and I desired vengeance. Knowing your rather odd desire to cut Lola's dolls to harvest their hair, it was easy to frame you. And if your twin sister got hurt in the process then, she deserved it for her interrupting me during two sibling meetings."

"Seriously? So, how'd you do it?" asked Lola.

"Simple, while everyone was waiting to use the facilities, I snuck into the twins' room, grabbed a pair of Lana's shoes, went outside for my daily dose of Vitamin D and fresh air, where I dumped Lana's shoes in the mud as well as through Charles' droppings. When everyone was distracted with either television or outdoor activities, I used one of Luna's speakers, timed it to give off the sound of an explosion, went through the vents, lowered myself down and committed the crime. Luckily, Lola decided to yell when she heard me, instead of approaching silently, so it allowed me to make my escape."

"Where you hid the scissors in your pocket, tossed the shoes and retreated into the darkness without anyone seeing you, right Lisa?"

"Precisely."

Lily crawled over to Lisa banged her with her toy hammer on her foot and blew her a raspberry. She babbled, what can be assumed to be a punishment, "Lily says I'm grounded for a week and forced everyday to listen to a ViewTube recording of the demon fox's-"

Lily cleared her throat, informing Lisa to translate correctly.

"I mean Fenton's song with her until I repay Lola. And Lana, Lily sends her deepest apologies for accusing you."

The infant crawls towards Lana and demands upsies so that she may give her a proper hug.

"Girls! I've got cupcakes! Who wants one?" the girls hear their father call, and they quickly make their way downstairs.

"Wait, you can't have a cupcake, Lisa. You're grounded!"

"Lily punished me, not Mother and Father. I can still partake in the occasional sweet treat. Right, Judge Lily?"

The infant let out a "Meh" and they all just decided to enjoy the cupcakes.

* * *

'_And thus the first case lost by Lisa Loud: Attorney has concluded. Was this experience humbling? Maybe. Were there casualties? Only the insects and Lola's dolls. But at least justice was served and the one and only truth has come to light. Now if you'll excuse me, I seem to have soiled my diaper.'_

"Ugh. I can't wait until you master the toilet, so you can use the lavatory, youngest sibling."

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**And there it is, my first completely written fanfiction (and it only took me…12 years yikes)**

**Anyway, that's beside the point. **

**Like it? Hate it? Suggestions for how to improve? Let me know**


End file.
